the Father’s heart

I’m a challenging woman. I’m strong-willed, but exceptionally sensitive. I believe in justice, to a fault. I waver between believing I need to depend on myself alone and seeking every resource available for respite and guidance. My heart feels fickle to me, which has shown me time and time again to not follow it.

My head is a far distance from my heart most days.

My husband knows this full well.

I preface most of my conversations with him as

“I know this sounds stupid, but”

I see him lean in and exhale slightly, because on some level he knows what he’s in for and some days I feel for him. Like I said, i’m a challenging woman. He’s a good listener though, this is something I’ve always known about him.

“Nothing you say is stupid, Annie”

(I love that he calls me Annie. It’s a nickname I got as a young girl. A name that he occasionally calls our daughter by mistake and that my daughter has now taken to calling me instead of mom. It’s okay though, I think I prefer it, actually.)

His personality is the complete opposite of mine. He’s a calm spirit, more logical than emotional, and easy to please.

He’s sounds a lot better than me, huh?

He’s also very quick to remind me that my “strong” personality traits can always be used for good. He’s not so good at giving me applicable examples though, most of the time. But, he’s a brain guy, I’m a heart gal. He tells me how things work and I come up with metaphors.

My husband is a teacher, professor to be exact, but goes by Matt because that’s the kind of guy he is. He is good. God made him good, not to be misunderstood as the “good” we all use today.

{How are you doing? — Good, you?}

God made him good. He actually made us all good, but it’s easy to look at my husband and see good. Some days, it’s easy to see the bad too, but that tends to happen on my fickle, self-sufficient sinful days.

He teaches me. Recently, he taught me the most human form of grace, which is not to be misunderstood with God’s grace, because really, is there any comparison?

After a particularly rough day, because those tend to happen often, (more so recently than usual, but have no pity for me — redemption is always at my door). I made a mess of myself, foolish actions, and a burden to bear. I come out of hiding to find my husband greet me with “Annie, just please let me do the dishes tonight”.

All I felt was shame, filth, ugliness.

Now, I don’t know what you’re thinking actually happened. What I had done? Good little Annie, huh.

Don’t let your mind lead you too far off, remember, I am emotional and have the right to a creative license and that doesn’t change the fact that my husband’s actions were the most pure example of grace that have met me in my nearly 33 years (in an earthly manner).

I felt the Father’s heart. I felt Him looking down on me with love, like His child. Regardless of my husbands intentions or words, God used them to show me how deeply HE loves me.

I forget most days that He loves me as deeply as He does. I get caught up in my imperfections, my shortcomings, and my emotions. I feel distanced because my heart leads me astray. It leads me to darkness if I am not careful. God uses small, what could be meaningless exchanges between my husband and myself to touch me. Touch me enough to share it with you all.

I’m not praising my husband, so don’t misunderstand the purpose of this post. I’m praising God, for using tools (people, experiences, etc) to reach our at times, squandering hearts.

Oh, how He loves us.


4 thoughts on “the Father’s heart

  1. I struggle to express the deep ways this post affected me. Thank you for sharing, sweetheart. God has given you a beautiful gift and you use it well.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Oh thank you! That means a lot to me, to hear that it is being used well! I have a hard time finding the time to write, that it makes it most worthwhile to only write about what really matters. GOD. I’m glad He used these words to speak to you. That is my only hope in writing.


  2. Your words touch my heart. Like the psalmist, you have the gift to touch the heart and the soul. Thank you, heavenly Father, for Annie; and for her gift to put into words what my heart feels.

    Liked by 1 person

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