I dodged a bullet the other day. A threat that could have potentially changed the course of my life. Or so I had imagined.
I dragged my husband to the doctor with me, fearful of a wretched outcome. Big words were tossed around, blood was drawn, inspections were made, and I held myself together – almost.
As I waited for my results, I had already diagnosed myself, considered prognosis rates, and tried to imagine how my children would survive without me.
This was in a matter of 37 seconds.
I felt stuck in a web, trapped, and yet falling quickly to the ground.
My phone rang, the NP told me that my numbers were great and I had no cause for concern.
I crouched to the ground smiling and tearful.
I had already felt and imagined the emotions associated with bad news.
My body was dealing with all of the cortisol that I forced it to release- shaking.
Fight or flight?
I just gave it up. Or tried.
After I hung up, I told my husband that now that I have that sussed out, I need to do something about my anxiety – perhaps the real issue.
He shook his head aggressively, solemnly.
For the past few weeks in my various readings, I have come across the idea of obedience.
Initially, I glanced over it and moved on.
Obedience has the appearance of a duty, a means of conforming. Something unpleasant. (you can see why I skimmed it).
Bonhoeffer said “Only he who believes is obedient, and only he who is obedient believes”.
I began to question my obedience – why do I obey? What does obey mean? Do I even obey?
Fear steers most of life. I’m ashamed of that fact. Deeply.
There are times when I pray out of fear – for if I don’t, something bad will happen. Because, my small, repetitive prayer is saving…protecting?
I’m challenged to challenge myself.
I should just post a picture of my diagram, but I’ll use words instead:
If I believe [psalms 119:30, john 20:29]
I act in obedience to my God’s Word [2 john 1:6]
HE will meet me on the other side [luke 11:28].
It’s scary to let go, to trust someone else with your life, your children’s lives, your spouse. But by resisting, I truly am only persisting.
Thankfully, I’m not trusting another person, I’m trusting God.
“God, I will trust you with “this”, but I will also trust you to not let me shatter”
After I hung up the phone with the NP, I said to my husband
“so, what’s next… what thing will I worry about next?”
He stated “I wasn’t going to say it”
There is always something on the back burner:
-buying a home?
-moving to another state?
Obedience is done out of love, not fear.
I’m not only challenging myself, I’m challenging God! (different than testing). Challenging Him to make His promises real in my life. What good are they if I don’t ask for them, receive them, and actually put them to use?
I pray that we will each grow in healthy obedience and we will submit our fears to the only thing that will protect- God!