Alive

Writing is more than mere release, it is satisfaction. I do not know where writing will take me professionally, but I do know that the more I put into it, the more I will get out of it, emotionally and spiritually. It is a process to take thoughts and make them coherent enough to communicate through the written word. I have always struggled with speaking fluently. I stutter, mumble, and speak far too quickly for my mind to keep up. I do not think that speaking in ellipsis’s is proper. I often end up saying far more than I had intended, which leaves me feeling frustrated with myself. Why do I overshare? There are many days when I sit down to write and end up suffering from subclinical panic attacks. I can not get it out, so I pay the bills or adjust the budget instead. And then there are days when the words flutter out like a soft breeze. Fluid, gentle, but strong enough to cause a stir in the branches below.

Initially, I was against having a blog because seriously a “blog” blaaahhh. It just sounds so obnoxious, right?! After sucking it up and giving it a go, I jumped in eager to pave my way. As the blog has grown, and the readership has increased, I have gradually changed my tune a bit. I originally began this blog for the sole purpose of sharing our new life of having a child with family and friends. It was a semi-private affair, but free to whomever was interested. After Noah was diagnosed and I was comfortable sharing, I opened up regarding the trials we had been facing, and how our lives had shifted in the process. It was a vulnerable move, but one that has made me a stronger person, and a better writer. As this outlet continues to grow, my prospects and hopes have shifted as well. I often have to remind myself of why I maintain this blog, and my purpose for tending to this garden. To speak truth. Period.

One of the writers who has influenced me most is Anne Lamott. In her book Bird by Bird: Some Instructions on Writing and Life, she wrote “This business of being a writer is ultimately about asking yourself, How alive am I willing to be?”. This quote has brought about a healthy pause to my habit of writing and forced me to realign my actions with my goals.  Where do I want to be when I’m 40? 60? How will I get there?

My faith is all I know. It guides me, pushes me, and at times, scares the shit out of me. God is not in the business of offering intermissions, and my heart is crowded with truths. God has and is providing me the experiences and words to speak. I can not remain silent. “And the one sitting on the throne said, “Look, I am making everything new!” And then he said to me, “Write this down, for what I tell you is trustworthy and true.” (Revelation 21:5) Where I want to be when I’m 60 is a distance from where I am today, a month shy of 31. I hope that as I explore in this forum, you will gain something valuable from your time here.

~~~

my time has come, let

the vulnerabilities

run amok, chump

~~~

New things to come, my readers. Big truths from a hidden life.

There’s plenty of wind, set sail.


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