Coming up for air
Breathe on me, oh sovereign king
Child of the wind
You push me down.
When I am exhausted or tormented with fear and doubt, I cower and fall to my knees, finding a fetal position. Defeated. Before finally giving way for surrender to consume me. Instinctual.
The other evening before getting the kids ready for bed, I was going through the house picking up all of Noah’s toys. He is a great help when it is a few toys that I can point to and say “give to mom”, but he had nearly emptied his toy room into the living room. Maeby was screaming because she had gas and was ready to eat, so spending 12 minutes picking up toys was not an option. We had spent the entire day inside because it was -3 outside. I was restless, tired, and going a bit stir-crazy.
In the past 5 weeks I have frequently found myself on my knees in defeat. I’m emotionally frazzled, physically spent, and spiritually thirsty. Learning to tend to two children has been a colossal challenge for me. I have failed each and every day since Dec. 5th. I have attempted to squeeze our new life with two children into our old life routine with one child. It does not fit. At all.
As I sat in the toy room organizing pieces of wooden food in the correct basket, I cried, feeling sorry for myself and angry that Maeby was screaming. Noah was eating the corner of a book. I could not think. I leaned forward to put my head on the ground out of frustration and was able to form a tangible thought. I realized that I was on my knees, in a fetal position, coiled. Right where I was supposed to be. I needed to surrender, to give up my desire to control and fit my life into my idea of “comfort” and “normal”. I’m exhausting myself, I do not need my children to do it for me. It makes sense that we are brought to our knees.
He pushed me down. A physical force, greater than myself.
Grace comes in at what appears to be an inopportune moment and finds a place in my heart. God’s spirit blows where it wills, I do not know where it will take up it’s home, but when I feel it, it resides and grows.
Break my knees, tonight
Surrender lifeless control
Make your home, within
The wind blows wherever it pleases, you hear it’s sound but you cannot tell where it comes from or where it is going. So it is with everyone born of the spirit.
Peace, be still