I recently started a book that was actually second on my reading list. I went to two different bookstores last Tuesday morning to find my first choice, but failed to locate it… Being 32 weeks pregnant and a bit selfish of the 2.5 hours I had to myself, I decided on my second choice, begrudgingly. I sat down, browsed the content a bit to make sure it was worth my $17 insurance check refund, and was immediately convinced I would start here.
This morning while Noah was at preschool, I went to a new coffee shop that Matt and I found last week. It’s the perfect quiet place with a small bookstore inside, great HOT coffee (which is a make or break for me), and a small fire place. I found a comfy spot on one of the couches, pulled up a small table for my book and drink, took my shoes off, pulled my legs up to sit cross legged and enjoyed a few sips of my creamy drink while starting the next chapter of my book. It was a near perfect moment.
I tend to be a bit of a knowledge hoarder. I feast on information, to the point of being uncomfortably stuffed at most sittings. I have the tendency to let it sit for a short period of time until my mind and heart can stomach more and I again gorge myself. I am constantly hungry for more, seeking out excess knowledge where they may be none. Since starting this book, I have found myself biting off a bit, chewing, savoring, and writing/journaling about what I’m learning. I can’t remember a time when I have found a book so incredibly satiating.
Over the past few weeks I have felt a deep change making waves in my spirit. It may be that I am going through some hormonal changes in the later parts of my pregnancy, or that I have been told to “take it easy” by my midwives… which only makes me sit and think more. I think it is something on a much deeper level, although the hormonal changes are still very definitely occurring.
This morning as I was reading, it asked me to stop, close my eyes, and imagine my family (husband, children) meeting God for the first time. Do this, yourself, right now! I’m serious, just do it.
What do you see? What emotions fill your heart? Are you brought to Joy? Are you scared that they may not be standing before Him?
This was one of the most moving and provoking thoughts I have ever experienced (not a hyperbole). I tried to control the tears that welled up in my eyes as I imagined my little Noah standing before God, being brought full circle, understanding everything. His knowledge will be perfected in Heaven, his abilities will be complete, his challenges will be stolen away and replaced by complete freedom. He will speak, run, smile, laugh, and fall to His knees before God’s goodness and power.
One challenge I have struggled with in terms of teaching Noah about God is that I can’t use words… Well, I can’t expect him to use words to convey understanding, is a better way to put it. I remember thinking one day “well, what else am I supposed to do if I can’t explain in words who God is?… How will he ever understand?” I have felt such disappointment in this loss.
~God has not called us to use our words to share who He is, He has called us to demonstrate who He is in our actions and by our love.
Noah has forced me to be more conscious of my actions and my words not only with him, but with those in my life. I, at times, wonder what Noah’s experience will be like, what he will understand, and how well he will get it.
Despite the sadness I have and do feel regarding this lack of understanding on my part, I trust in God’s faithfulness and promise. I trust that He will bless Noah through and through. I trust that He will show Himself and His goodness to Noah in ways that I may never understand or be aware of during my time on earth. I trust that in doing my part (as instructed by God, Deut. 6:4-8) God will give Noah as meaningful a life as He has given any of us, if not more. After all, HE created Noah, HE knows how to reach him best.
My thoughts to chew on this week (and for the rest of my life):
~ How can I prepare my family for their first moment before God?
~ How will my life help them to believe in a real, true God that heals, saves, loves, provides, and died for us?
This is not about religious duty or guilty convictions, but giving my family a source of life. Helping (with God’s assistance) to show them a real life worth living and a light that never dies out.
“That is why we never give up. Though our bodies are dying, our spirits are being renewed every day. For our present troubles are small and won’t last very long. Yet they produce for us a glory that vastly outweighs them and will last forever. So we don’t look at the troubles we can see now; rather, we fix our gaze on things that cannot be seen. For the things we see now will soon be gone, but the things we cannot see will last forever”. 2 Corinthians 4:16-18