I lean towards discontent. Sometimes lurch. My spirit is regularly restless. I am constantly waiting for the next meaningful thing.
In movies and books, we are taught that there is a moment in our lives that will split time, set you on a new path, a moment that will lead to a direct purpose or fulfillment. I find myself waiting for the “big moment” everyday, whether that be; what time is lunch, when should I go pick Noah up from school, when is this baby due, or like most days, when is Matt coming home. I am perpetually ready for my big break. For whatever event it is that is going to occur, appears before me.
It’s as though I’m only interested in making my way to the toy in the bottom of the box without taking the time to experience all the marshmallows and sugary coated cereal along the way.
I don’t think this is innately a bad quality, like most, it can either serve or hinder you. Restlessness builds kingdoms, it can also breed frustration… Emotionally, spiritually, physically.
Truth be told, most of the time, once my long awaited for moment materializes, I am still left feeling a bit vexed… primed and ready for the next moment.
A constant stirring in my spirit, a hunger for things unseen, overwhelmed by grace and a deep longing for something more. I thrive on these emotions, they drive my fragile heart and yet I find myself wanting more.
One day this past week, I experienced an overwhelming rush through my bones. Fear, which typically guides my emotions (sadly) followed by a deep sense of grace and gratitude. I was listening to a song that I have heard a million times, it was repeating “Death has died, love has won. Hallelujah! Hallelujah! Jesus Christ has overcome. He has risen from the dead.” While the lyrics do address the season of Easter and Christ rising from the Tomb, it uprooted my spirit, clearly disrupting my steady state. A warmth filled my cheeks and produced tears from my eyes. There was something so beautiful in the moment I was in, I wanted to avoid every distraction so as to remain in this ocean of grace and love. Floating, drifting, engulfed in my God’s presence.
Flickers occur often, my job is to fan the flame. To embrace the flickers of light throughout each and every day that I am alive. To live more fully in the precious gentle moments of this very day, this very second. Living in the moment has always suggested a sense of selfishness and ignorance. In reality, I am starting to understand that it can also mean to simply embrace the in-betweens.
I enjoyed a big glass of lemonade this afternoon with my family, It was Noah’s first taste. His facial expressions and shudders were absolutely priceless. I sat and felt as my little girl kicked from the sweet tartness of the drink, at times hurting my ribs. I grabbed my husbands hand and knew that there was no better place. Anywhere.
God help me not forget the in-betweens. The subtleties of your creation. The beauty of your love and grace.